daily rant – 00054 – awww crap!

Nothing is crappier than being at someone’s house and having to poop. Meanwhile they’re in the next room seeing who can do the best mime impression while listening to awkward silence radio. You proceed to turn on the fan, run water from the sink, or shower (depending on how daring you are) and start coughing…they proceed to check up on you to make sure you’re OK. Awkwardness ensues.

The only thing that could make things worse? You reach for the toilet paper only to realize that the holder is empty. You frantically search all the cupboards and cabinets for a roll, only to finally come to the conclusion that you need to suck up your pride and dignity and yell for someone to deliver you a roll…ah yes, the days before mobile devices. Now of course you could discreetly message someone to save you. They were tougher times back then. Times where pride would sometimes outweigh personal hygiene.

We’ve all been there. Use the toilet at a friend or family member’s house, reach for the toilet paper only to see it’s not on the holder. Your heart skips a beat before seeing a roll on the counter. I will be the first to admit that when I was still living at home, the toilet paper was NEVER on the holder. The reason being is the genius that designed the washroom decided to put the holder on the wall behind to the toilet to the left. That’s right, back, and to the left. How is this even practical? Not only is it not ergonomic, it’s hard to dispense the proper amount without having it hang to the floor. Useless. Therefore, the roll always ended up on the counter right beside the toilet, making washroom visits a relaxing, zen like experience.

Quality of the toilet paper is also very important in the washroom experience. One ply? What??? Ooooh this must be your gift wrapping station, kindly point me in the direction of your washroom. Three ply people, three ply. One ply might be good enough for you, but my ass is a guest in your house so put the good stuff out for a night.

Over or under? Which way should the paper hang? That’s a preference that I’ve seen couples almost break up over. Some prefer the paper to hang over the roll when it’s on the holder, and others prefer to have it behind the roll. The correct answer is over the roll of course. Everyone else is wrong. Why would you even have it hang behind the roll? Don’t be stupid.

Are bidet’s still a thing?

Rant, over…the roll.

-RP

02/28/2014

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