I recently cut someone off on the road. I know, it’s not something I’m proud of, but it happened. And it’s not like I went in front of him and slammed on my brakes. Instead, I left him to bask in the ambiance of my dust. The guy was doing well under speed limit in the passing lane, what was I supposed to do? He had it coming. But it’s what happened after that which inspired this rant…he gave me the finger. Really?? The finger? Who still gives people the finger and mean it? I occasionally do, but its always as a joke.
Dude must have been really angry too because he was biting his bottom lip. There are many different ways of giving the finger…none of which can be delivered without you looking like a complete douche bag. I think the biting lip finger is the angriest way to deliver it…next to the biting lip double finger…but dude was driving at the time so I guess he had to keep one hand at either 10 or 2 while he did 60 km/h on the highway.
Other douche bag ways of delivering the finger include:
- The Itch: When you pretend to have an itch on your face and proceed to scratch it…WITH YOUR MIDDLE FINGER!! That’ll teach them.
- The Crank: When you make a fist with one hand and use the other to turn an imaginary crank as your middle finger slowly rises. To build anticipation, you say things like, “What’s that? What’s happening?? What could it be?”. I dunno, your middle finger? Douche bag.
- The Inflater: When you make a fist, pretend to blow into your thumb while your middle finger slowly inflates. With results as pointless as The Crank.
- The Pocket: When you tell someone you have something for them in your pocket and instead pull out your middle finger, shove it in their face and say “oooooooooooh!!!” In hopes that other people see your awesomeness and join in. But they never do…because you’re not awesome.
- The Reader: When you hold up your ring, middle and index fingers and tell them to read between the lines. extra points if they’re illiterate.
- The Pitcher: When you pretend you’re on the mound, and instead of throwing a fast ball, you throw the finger, right in their face!
- The Fisherman: When you pretend you’re fishing and you start to reel in that big catch, but, you guessed it, it’s your finger. You can either turn it upside down displaying your big catch, or flop it on the table mimicking the actions of a fish out of water.
- The Inter-Office: When you photocopy your finger and send it to a co-worker via inter office mail. This method is often used when you’re not in a rush to let the person know you hate them. Or as a subtle reminder.
In case you’re wondering why you’ve never heard of the last 3 methods, it’s because I just made them up. I know, they’re awesome. If only I had invented them while flipping the bird still had meaning.