daily rant – 00024 – spiders!

My ranting sense is tingling!

I can honestly say I don’t mind spiders…IF they pass the following criteria:

1) They’re smaller than a dime.
2) They’re non poisonous.
3) They mind their own damn spider business and don’t interfere with people matters.
4) They’re radioactive so that if they ever bite me, I will become spider-man.  This one’s pretty much a given.

Now with that being said, why are the spiders that live in my house huge jerks??  Usually when I see them I just let them be, because in the summer they usually catch mosquitoes, moths, earwigs, etc. that find their way inside Chateau Persaud.  And that’s cool.   They help me out by killing other bugs and I help the spider out by not destroying it.  But, I have to admit, I DO kill the occasional spider, like the shady looking ones, or the ones that are in my bedroom that crawl on the ceiling above my bed.   That’s a direct violation of criteria #3…they have no business being in my room.

Sursly, the spiders in our house either have the ability to teleport or are like the ghosts from Super Mario Brothers, you know, the “Boo’s”? I swear, you could be staring at it for an hour and it won’t move.  The second you go to grab a tissue for what will be its final resting place, *poof* it’s gone.  The worst is when it’s in your room and this happens, because then you can’t sleep until you find the damn thing.

Then there’s the ones that you kill, and you’re almost positive you heard it squish, but when you check the tissue, there’s nothing in there and then you start doing the spider dance and then try to quickly recover by acting all gangsta…I don’t think I need to explain this, it looks very similar to this.

This could be problematic if you’re trying to impress hot babes with your spider killing skills.

But the strangest incident involving spiders in my house happened when I got up in the morning to get ready for work and I lift up the toilet seat and there was toilet paper in there…with a spider just chilling on top of it.  So my first thought was that my sister had “killed” a spider and tossed the tissue in the toilet…wait that’s a lie, my first thought was “what the F is a spider doing there!”.  So I asked her and she was so proud that she had killed a spider…umm, so why is there a spider kickin’ back in our toilet like it was on vacation?  Awkwaaaaard.

Aaaaaaaand flush.

Seriously spiders, stay outta my way. You might have more eyes than me, and unless you can fire lasers out of them, you don’t stand a chance.

Rant, Ova!


May 25/09



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